Friday, September 16, 2016

It's been a really long time since I've posted anything on this blog. This year has been really one of the worst of my life. My momma was sick this year... and in March she died. She was my everything. She was my only real friend.

I think I always thought that when she died, I'd be this blubbering mess, unable to function. But.. strangely.. I haven't. I'm not sure why. I'm not sure if I'm doing the right things, I'm not even sure if this is how I'm supposed to feel.

It feel like I'm in a dark hole. Sometimes I feel sick with the blackness that is pulling me down. Then other times, I feel normal.. like nothing ever happened.

How is it ok to feel that way? Like nothing ever happened? Everything happened. My world crashed down. Maybe I feel relieved. At least I know she's safe and in a place that she's happy. My father never cared about that.

Sometimes I feel sad for him. But other times, I feel nothing. I feel nothing but anger towards him for everything he did to her in the last years of her life. I owe him nothing. Sometimes I want to pack up and move back to Alaska and be done with him.

I just keep waking up and going through the motions.

I keep wondering if someday, things will be more clear to me. Why can't I feel her? Why can't I know that she's right there with me like everyone says.

I'm tired of trying to understand why this all happened.

I'm tired.