It's amazing to me when I check back on this blog occasionally, that each day, I have at least 40 people take a look at this blog. This year alone, over 5,000 people stumbled upon this little stretch of internet property that I call my own.
I haven't written on this thing in a year.
That's crazy to me. Honestly all 5,000 hit's could be from my mother.. but hey, I'd like to think I'm just that cool. Actually I know I'm not that cool.
This year has been pretty hard for me. It's maybe been the reason why I haven't been here. I felt all dark and brooding. I've really had nothing of interest to say. My well had dried up. I was a shriveled prune. I walked to school and back both ways for 20 miles in the snow.... I .. ok.. no.. I'm being dramatic..
I have been working at a pace that nobody should really in their right mind be working. For a long time, my life consisted of getting up, going to work, going to sleep and waking up to do it again. For months. Very few of those months didn't have one day were "going to work" wasn't an item on the agenda.
When people say "your sucking my will to live", I now know what they mean. It's definitely not something I would wish on anyone to have to put themselves through.
I think doing that caused me to loose some of myself that I used to think was pretty great. I lost my excitement for things. I still haven't gotten that excitement back.. (but I'm working on that.. more later..) Truth be told, working in the last great wilderness and never getting to see it, takes a toll on you. It's taken a fairly heavy toll on me.
I don't write that for you to think.. "Oh poor Rocksee." Please.. don't. But I wanted you to know why I've been gone. I've wrote a few times on this blog that I was done writing.. and we all know that I wasn't.
When you write.. your story never really is done.
This year wasn't all Lamesville.. there were good parts..
I saw this girl..
rockseevangundyIt was epic. It made me realize two things. I need to find a way to be independently wealthy, so she and I can travel around the world like two little rubber tramps (no, not the bad kind of tramps! get your mind out of the gutter! :) If you haven't seen Into the Wild you wouldn't get it..) and I miss her desperately. She just gets me. It was nice to be with someone who understood me and I didn't have to pretend, or try hard to make them be happy with me.. She was just happy to be around me. I didn't have to try so hard all the time. It was a refreshing change.
But getting back to this year.. and stuff that's been going on..
It's taught me a lot about who I am and who I want to be. I've been trying to stand up for myself more. Sometimes you have to, regardless of conflict. I HATTTTEEE conflict... and I've been really trying to remember that I need to work on making myself happy, not just trying to make everyone else happy all the time.
I've learned I have a low tolerance for bull shit. (Sorry for the French ma)
I've learned I don't like mean, depressing people.
I've learned that I thrive when I put myself around positive ones.
I've learned that I miss writing and seeing how much putting words out there really has meant in my life. I'm not the worlds best writer, I've never aspired to be. But I've learned that writing makes me feel more complete, it's like my crack. Or maybe just cheap therapy:) I'd love to have more time to do it more often. But to be truly creative, I need to have a quiet piece of time carved out to do it. More often than not anymore, that isn't possible.
I read a great blog recently by someone I'm growing to admire greatly. One of my favorite quotes from it said, "Without taking time to be still and listen to your heart, the inner place that the truth is held, you may continue onto the worst result – giving up just before you reached your greatest."
It's done some amazing things for my thought process.
I'm trying to listen to my heart and my head and do things that make me happy. I feel like I'm making some small steps in that direction. I've been trying to believe in being happy. If I'm happy and I choose to be happy and do things that make my mind and heart happy, then I should be golden. The doors have been starting to open.. which is always a good thing.
What does all this babbling mean?
I dunno. I hope you get it. I'm going to try really hard to post a few times a month.. Maybe more.. Maybe less.. No pressure.
The point is.. I feel like for the first time in a while, I am on a upswing. I've realized that I'm important to. I'm going to stop feeling like what I want to do and be isn't as important that everyone else. I'm going to stop sitting around... and I'm going to get out there and do something.
Side note, I secretly I think seals have it made. Who wouldn't want to lay around naked all day on a rock napping occasionally and watching the ocean.. I know I would. :)
Oh! and a celebrity on my blog, "Lady Who Looks at the Sky".. has officially moved out.. BOOM!
AND TO ANOTHER COUNTRY! Thank you baby Jesus, teenage Jesus and adult Jesus for that little miracle!
Let's talk again soon.. Whatcha say?