Thursday, July 28, 2011

Grief Soaks.

I could never know what it's like to loose a parent.

I've lost a parent. Well, backtrack.. I've lost my biological father. He was not my parent. There was no connection, no great loss when I was told he passed. I already had a deep black hole inside myself that was already there because he was absent, not because he had died. To me nothing had changed.

But I could never know what it's like to loose a parent. An extention of yourself. Your friend, your pal, the person who taught you how to ride a bike.. it would be like loosing an arm... you know it's gone, but deep down somewhere you feel like it's still attached... and that feeling is so brutal, that you don't know which way is up..

It's a tough time here at the moment. Grief is soaking into everything in our little life.
My husband is going through something I wouldn't wish on anyone. He's trying to navigate through his feelings and his grief and still be a husband and live life.

It's a draining balance beam to walk each day.

I wish I knew or knew what I should do to help him. As a spouse, you want to fix it when your spouse is hurting. You want to take that pain away and put it on yourself so they don't have to feel it anymore.  But I know inside, he has to feel it and get through it, to come out on the other side.

I want to give him the right amount of support mixed with a dash of the right amount of space.. .. but how do you know what is the right amount? How do you know when to back off and when to just run in there and throw your arms around someone and just try to love them up to soak up the hurt??

I've just been running in and soaking it up the best I can. I hope he knows how much I love him and want his pain to be less. But I know, that it will never be less. That big gaping black death of a hole will always been there and the only thing that would fill it is if our father would come back.

But I know that he wont.

So we will continue to get up and face everyday, with the bravest faces we can muster. We talk about him as much as we can.. and I still can hear his big belly laugh in my head. Like he's over in the next room.

and the day starts again..


  1. Roxy, You are doing the right thing by being there. He does need space, but he needs to know that you are there. And he is right, you feel the pain everyday but life goes on and you have to get up each day and continue on. Tell him it helps to think of a good memory every morning and during the day when he is feeling down, bring back that morning memory. Those wonderful memories never go away. Thinking of you both.

  2. Everybody deals with it differently. Just being there, letting him know you're ready for whatever he wants to let out in his grief, is fantastic.

    I know for me *personally* its a struggle Simple things, such as watching a TV show that my dad and I both liked, sends me over the edge. I want so badly to be able to hear his voice just one more time and every moment when I think about how that is gone my body physically aches.

    Its almost been a year since my dad passed. I wish I could say that the big hole thats left in my heart and soul has gotten smaller but if I did I'd be lying. The hole gets bigger and bigger and some days I feel like its going to swallow me up.

    If Brett ever wants to talk, or you do, just hit me up. My heart is with both of you ((hugs))

  3. I want to say, 'just listen to him', but it he's anything like my husband he wont' talk about it much. My husband lost both his father and his first son a few years before I met him. I just try to honor them any chance I get, and be here for him.

  4. You're doing the right thing by being there for him. If he wants to talk, he will. If he doesn't, he won't. Whatever you do, don't take his silence or aloofness personally. He's dealing with something that no one can understand unless they've been there themselves - and that takes a lot of thought and introspection.

    Both my parents are gone. My father in 1996 (and I was a Daddy's Girl) and my mother in 2006. I was 46 years old when my mom died and I felt like an orphan.

    Grief continues forever. In time, it does ease, and good memories outnumber the sad, but it will never go away. He'll always have moments when he's thrust back into the deep desolation and devastation that he felt the moment his father left this world.

    Whatever you do, don't stop talking about his dad. Relive good memories. Tell him when something you see or hear or experience reminds him of his dad. The worst thing is for someone to *forget* that person was every alive.

    And on anniversaries (birthdays, the day he died, and other special events), acknowledge him too. Sometimes I don't even say a thing to Steve, but he knows by my actions that I'm having a hard time.

    One thing that gets me through the grief, is believing that someday I will see my parents and all the other loved ones I've lost (to include my furkid Sedona).

    Gentle hugs to your husband. And to you.

  5. I dont have much to add to the wonderful comments above me. I miss my dad each and every day. While it has gotten easier as time has passed it still hurts. The hurt is still as strong just not as often. I can remember the good now without crying about the bad. Although little things will break me down. Its not even been a year and I still think wow I should call dad and tell him_______........Its crap! Let me tell you. Just keep loving him and dont ever doubt how valuable that is and you are to him. My hubby is my best friend and just that hug when he sees the need means so much...(hugs)