I could never know what it's like to loose a parent.
I've lost a parent. Well, backtrack.. I've lost my biological father. He was not my parent. There was no connection, no great loss when I was told he passed. I already had a deep black hole inside myself that was already there because he was absent, not because he had died. To me nothing had changed.
But I could never know what it's like to loose a parent. An extention of yourself. Your friend, your pal, the person who taught you how to ride a bike.. it would be like loosing an arm... you know it's gone, but deep down somewhere you feel like it's still attached... and that feeling is so brutal, that you don't know which way is up..
It's a tough time here at the moment. Grief is soaking into everything in our little life.
My husband is going through something I wouldn't wish on anyone. He's trying to navigate through his feelings and his grief and still be a husband and live life.
It's a draining balance beam to walk each day.
I wish I knew or knew what I should do to help him. As a spouse, you want to fix it when your spouse is hurting. You want to take that pain away and put it on yourself so they don't have to feel it anymore. But I know inside, he has to feel it and get through it, to come out on the other side.
I want to give him the right amount of support mixed with a dash of the right amount of space.. .. but how do you know what is the right amount? How do you know when to back off and when to just run in there and throw your arms around someone and just try to love them up to soak up the hurt??
I've just been running in and soaking it up the best I can. I hope he knows how much I love him and want his pain to be less. But I know, that it will never be less. That big gaping black death of a hole will always been there and the only thing that would fill it is if our father would come back.
But I know that he wont.
So we will continue to get up and face everyday, with the bravest faces we can muster. We talk about him as much as we can.. and I still can hear his big belly laugh in my head. Like he's over in the next room.
and the day starts again..