Sunday, March 21, 2010

heading towards the wind.

I keep thinking about my life in Alaska the past few months and what it has given me. I will never regret moving here, nor will I ever regret all the hard work it has taken to make this adventure worth while.

Alaska is country like no other. You love it one day and hate it the next. It toys with you, it plays on your emotion.

We have had a hard go of it here in the last frontier. There are days when I see staying here forever, but there are days when I really truly wonder if it's worth all the trouble.

I know that we can not be vagabonds forever.. traveling from place to place. I know that at some point we need to put down roots in a place and ride it out regardless of how tough it is to make work.

Things are so different in Alaska. I hope in some ways I have shown you that, through my emotional, sometimes sporatic posts. Everything here is structured differently than I have ever known it to be. You take one thing, that you have always known how to do one way and here you have to flip it and do it the exact opposite. It weighs on you, feeling like you just can't seem to get a leg up on anything you try to do. It's alot of pressure.

But you look up and you see the beauty. The days are getting longer, the sky clearer, the mountains off in the distance.. the sunsets.. and it gives you that bit of fuel to go another day and try to fight for this dream that you had in your heart.

But I am getting to the point that I am just tired.. my heart is tired.. it takes more of that fuel to get me to the next day. Too much has happened and too much hasn't happened.

It really tests you as a person to overcome and basically do it all alone.

I am thinking of training to do a hike this summer. By myself. Alone. Somewhere I have always wanted to see and that sorta brought me to this wild untamed place. It would be a huge huge undertaking. One that I don't know if I can do alone, but I'd like to try. I'm not going to say much more, till I know for sure if I will do it or not.

Maybe it's to find myself a little more. Maybe it's just for another big adventure.. Maybe it's to decide if I can do another year in Alaska... I just don't know.

I always promised I'd be honest with you.
I'd tell you the ups.. and the not so ups.

So there's where I'm at.

Tommorrow.. some pics.

6 comments:

  1. I think you have to follow your heart...

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  2. You know it's funny how everyone's experiences are different. Growing up into my young adulthood I always felt like a round peg trying to shove myself into a square hole. I was aimless and shiftless and felt out of place. When I moved to Alaska it was like I suddenly found a space that I fit into perfectly. I found my round hole. I know that I will never leave this place.

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  3. I know exactly how you feel. Its truly a love/hate relationship. Hard to explain. (((hugs)))

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  4. I SOOOOO get this Rox!! Our first year here was HELL and we ended up leaving! You know our story. It has been tough for you guys....but you haven't quit...you have just kept going! Hang on....summer is nearly here....everything is better in the summer! ;)
    A hike...that sounds amazing!!! Sounds like a great time to get some perspective...always thought it would be cool to do one myself.
    ((HUGS)) girly...you guys are still #1 in my book!

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