Thursday, October 22, 2009

Ahh Life Questions..

I try to remember what my life was like when I first decided I was going to move to Alaska.

I try to remember sometimes what drove me to move here.

I try to remember the reasons behind all those small things that made our decision to leave.. but I just can't.

I just don't recall.

I want to first start off I want to say that I love living in Alaska. I do. I'm very lucky and blessed to have made it this far. Through all the hardships it took to get here, it has made me realize that truly I can do anything that I want to set my mind out to do.

Sometimes I wake up thinking sometimes that I am home. As in, Kansas.. It's like a sad dream that I am having over and over. I feel like everything is perfect and right and calm... and I'm in Kansas.

I don't know why I keep having this feeling when I am sleeping. I don't know what it means.

I feel happy.. I feel glad to be here.. The town is great, the people I have met so far are wonderful.. but I kinda feel out of place. Does that make any sense?

Like my puzzle piece doesn't quite fit into the Fairbanks puzzle.

I think that I know why that is.. but I'm not quite in the right position to do what I need to do to change that.

I don't want anyone to think that I am sad or anything.. I'm not. I'm really happy to be were I am. But I just feel kinda discumboulated.. Like my heart isn't in some of the things I am doing.

I hope that I can work to change that. Maybe as I meet more people it will get better.

Ideas?? Thoughts?

11 comments:

  1. I hope you find your place soon.

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  2. Ahhhh.... it's the advent of seasonal affective disorder. Sunny, unseasonably warm or not- it starts to hit right about now.

    Symptoms: overall malaise, serious NEED for anything carbohydrate-ish, followed with a chaser of chocolate/single malt scotch (sometimes mixed together), weird drowsiness mixed with manic hyper-ness... and a strange compelling urge to book tickets to someplace where it's WARM.

    Welcome to Fairbanks... :)

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  3. Sounds like sleep is a form of clicking your heels together. It takes you to the feeling of home—an idealized sense of home, and that may be what you're craving. For me, home has always been created by the ties I make with people who, somehow, feel like "family". They don't feel like my real family but they make me feel deeply accepted, like I "belong". I've lived so many places that felt okay, but where I couldn't find those connections. I'm finally in a place where all my pieces seem to fit. I'm sure it will happen for you.

    Hang in there. You are on a magical journey prompted by your heart's longing for the very best for YOU. It's bound to be a fascinating ride.

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  4. I am SO with you on this. I love love love where I am living now but I have those same feelings.

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  5. I know exactly what you are going through(kinda). I moved to RI in 2006 and felt so out of place. Now that I have moved to KY I feel like RI is "home" and don't feel right here. I think its something that will come with time. Hang in there!

    Note: I like the Meet Me Halfway song on your blog! I'm jammin' out while typing this!

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  6. It's still so new, too...you've been through a lot of changes. I think you'll settle in...give it time.

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  7. I completely understand how you feel. I can go back to when I felt like that in a second and remember all those same thoughts as well. I call it a transition time... I did feel sad a lot because I didn't feel like I fit in anywhere. I didn't belong in KS because I had purposely left and even when I went to visit 5 months after I moved, SO much had changed - I didn't recognize a lot. I certainly didn't belong in WA because I couldn't figure out where anything was half the time and felt completely lost. Plus, I barely knew anybody - let alone anybody who would understand my need to just come and cry about it.

    So I understand what you're going through - been there before. The thing that helped me was to find the things about WA that I loved MORE than the things I loved about KS. I found beauty in the small things - like seeing a slug for the first time... I found joy in being able to see things I never saw in KS - like seeing Mt. Rainier every single day or getting to go to the ocean every single day. These are experiences I never had before - and I love where I am now for those little things that make me smile every day. Though I haven't forgotten the great things about KS, I am very blessed to have the life I do in the state where I am. Not everybody gets to see such beauty. I keep all the things that I love about both places in my heart every day... =)

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  8. I agree totally with DysFUNctional Mom.

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  9. it's probably just going to take time. it sounds like alaska is a unique place in the world with its own set of rules. i'm sure you'll get there!

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  10. Praying you get some guidance. I think it probably takes time to fit into what i imagine is an all together different culture so to speak.

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  11. a little more time..I know its easier said than done.

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