Ok Ok.. I know.. I need to get my big girl panties on.
But, I've had a rough day today.
If you don't wanna be dragged down in my sorrows.. then.. your probably better off leaving the swing today.
Lately, I've been having huge anxiety attacks. Very big ones. I am prone to small ones.. have been for a really long time. When I was about 21, I dated a very bad man, who slapped me around and roughed me up. Not to get all past history emotional or anything, but according to my very amazing doctor, she believes that I have developed just a touch of anxiety disorder from that.
So I take my little happy pill and go on my way.
But lately, like in the past week, I've had two very very big ones. Huge.
I know that it is because I am starting to feel very scared and overwhelmed about my trip. I'm not able to keep it all together. It is coming very soon.
We don't have jobs yet. That scares me. What kind of foolish hooligans quit there jobs and move 3,000 miles away? Holy crap! I guess I was just raised not to take any chances when it comes to your money. We always lived check to check and what money we had was very precious. I am just scared that Hubs and I are putting ourselves in a very bad position. What if we get to AK and can't find anything?
What if nobody wants to hire us?
I am always the worrier. Hubs is the positive thinker. Ok well most of the time he is..
I am scared.
We don't have quite as much money saved up for the trip as I would like. I mean we have enough, a good chunk, but it's enough to get there and maybe have enough money for like 2 weeks.
That isn't enough if there is major trouble. That isn't enought if we don't get jobs right away.
We are so way screwed because our retirement money won't process for 4-6 weeks. Just one more reason I love the state of Kansas!
I am scared to leave my mother. I feel like maybe she thinks that I am leaving her. I don't want that. The whole idea for me going was the thought that maybe I could create a better life for us and her someday. I can't do that here. There isn't enough opprotunity and while I have a good job, advancement isn't really going to happen here.
I just don't want her to think that I am leaving her. I want to come back and take her to AK with me. I want to be able to take CARE of her. Not just help her along. I wouldn't be able to make a substantal difference in her life if I stayed. I feel like such a terrible daughter.
I am scared because we have so many family issues going on, both on my side and on Hub's. Hubs is so heartbroken because of somethings that are happening in his family, as am I. I wish I could fix what was going on with both of our families. I wish I could make both of the people who are causing all of this trouble see what they are doing to us. But I know that no matter what I say, they are going to do what they want. Because they are selfish. But it just seems like maybe I should be trying to fix it. Somehow.
Moving is hard.
Moving away from everyone you know, everything that is comfortable. Trying to liquidate your whole life.
I am hyperventilating just thinking about it.
I want to go. You know that. Alaska is what I have wanted for along time. My dream. But there is all of these what-if's and maybe's. I am scared that maybe god is showing me some big sign that this isn't the right decision and I am just too stupid to see it.
I just dont know.
I'm not sure why I wrote this. Maybe because it's easier to write things down and get them out of my head before my little pile of hair explodes right off my head.
It's all about being honest right?
Well there you go. Honesty in black and white.