Friday, June 19, 2009

WARNING: Rocksee Creates a Pity Party.

Ok Ok.. I know.. I need to get my big girl panties on.

But, I've had a rough day today.

If you don't wanna be dragged down in my sorrows.. then.. your probably better off leaving the swing today.

Lately, I've been having huge anxiety attacks. Very big ones. I am prone to small ones.. have been for a really long time. When I was about 21, I dated a very bad man, who slapped me around and roughed me up. Not to get all past history emotional or anything, but according to my very amazing doctor, she believes that I have developed just a touch of anxiety disorder from that.

So I take my little happy pill and go on my way.

But lately, like in the past week, I've had two very very big ones. Huge.

I know that it is because I am starting to feel very scared and overwhelmed about my trip. I'm not able to keep it all together. It is coming very soon.

We don't have jobs yet. That scares me. What kind of foolish hooligans quit there jobs and move 3,000 miles away? Holy crap! I guess I was just raised not to take any chances when it comes to your money. We always lived check to check and what money we had was very precious. I am just scared that Hubs and I are putting ourselves in a very bad position. What if we get to AK and can't find anything?

What if nobody wants to hire us?

I am always the worrier. Hubs is the positive thinker. Ok well most of the time he is..


I am scared.

We don't have quite as much money saved up for the trip as I would like. I mean we have enough, a good chunk, but it's enough to get there and maybe have enough money for like 2 weeks.

That isn't enough if there is major trouble. That isn't enought if we don't get jobs right away.

We are so way screwed because our retirement money won't process for 4-6 weeks. Just one more reason I love the state of Kansas!

I am scared to leave my mother. I feel like maybe she thinks that I am leaving her. I don't want that. The whole idea for me going was the thought that maybe I could create a better life for us and her someday. I can't do that here. There isn't enough opprotunity and while I have a good job, advancement isn't really going to happen here.

I just don't want her to think that I am leaving her. I want to come back and take her to AK with me. I want to be able to take CARE of her. Not just help her along. I wouldn't be able to make a substantal difference in her life if I stayed. I feel like such a terrible daughter.

I am scared because we have so many family issues going on, both on my side and on Hub's. Hubs is so heartbroken because of somethings that are happening in his family, as am I. I wish I could fix what was going on with both of our families. I wish I could make both of the people who are causing all of this trouble see what they are doing to us. But I know that no matter what I say, they are going to do what they want. Because they are selfish. But it just seems like maybe I should be trying to fix it. Somehow.

Moving is hard.

Moving away from everyone you know, everything that is comfortable. Trying to liquidate your whole life.

I am hyperventilating just thinking about it.

I want to go. You know that. Alaska is what I have wanted for along time. My dream. But there is all of these what-if's and maybe's. I am scared that maybe god is showing me some big sign that this isn't the right decision and I am just too stupid to see it.

Oh my.

I just dont know.

I'm not sure why I wrote this. Maybe because it's easier to write things down and get them out of my head before my little pile of hair explodes right off my head.

It's all about being honest right?

Well there you go. Honesty in black and white.


  1. OKay so, YES, it's scary...I can only imagine. However, this is YOUR DREAM! And if I do say so, it's a pretty fabulous one!! I only wish I had the courage to do that! Shit, my BF and I are too scared to move 3 hours north to be with his entire family. So instead we sit, day after day, depressed that we are in Southern MI instead of where our WHOLE hearts are! YOU CAN DO IT! And watch, it will all work out wonderfully!! I swear, you'll make it work! When something is this big of a dream it can't NOT work! *pep talk over* :)

  2. I am so proud, envious, excited, and envious :) that you're up and moving 3,000 miles away. Follow it, don't run from it - your dream that is. What did I just say yesterday? Oh yeah, I prefer the unbeaten path! AND yes, you may steal my quote, "Hummus rocks and so does God"
    Peace Love & You Rock!

  3. Oh, I have sooo been there with the panic attacks. It will get better, I promise.

    As for the rest -- I'm not a Dr.Phil fan, but he did give some good advice that I think of often. When you're worrying, like now, he suggests you play the "what if" game all the way through, meaning -- answer your own questions. It will calm you down:

    "What if we don't get jobs?" Now work that one through... we will change locations, we will network, we will find something else to do until we're hired in the field we really want, we will cut back, we will etc. etc. until you've exhausted all of your questions.

    Found you on SITS/bookmarking you ;)

  4. awww...thats a LOT of stress! Anyone would be feeling the same emotions as you! will get better...
    You WILL get jobs!

    Anxiety about the unkonown is normal.....but this is your DREAM...and it will all work out.

  5. It sounds to me like you have every right to be a bit nervous right now. You are going through some major life changes. It will all work out. I hope that everything works in your favor.
    I have been through what you have been through and it stems back to when I was a child. My anxiety has become a part of my life and unfortanetly it never goes away. It may hide, but when things are tough it hits me with all it's force.
    I will keep you in my prayers..
    Jill :)

  6. I have moved a lot in my life, both before I had kids and after. It wasn't easy as a single mother but it all worked out. Things will work out for you, too. Just have faith.

  7. I can so relate as I feel that my entire life is one big panic attack right now. :)
    You're making this move for all the right reasons, so just focus on that. I'll pray for peace about the move for you and your mom, and that work will come quickly.

    We have a lot of family issues too. Why can't people just be normal? :) Hang in there girl! Everything's going to be good.

  8. It will be ok, because it's what you want and you're not just gonna sit and let your life fall apart around you! And God will take care of you, girl! : )

  9. I think anyone would be overwhelmed in that situation! It's life changing and unsure...but it will also be rewarding and amazing! Just keep that in mind! Keep your head up and breathe!! I'm praying for ya!!

  10. Found your blog via a comment you left on an Alaska blog.

    Moving is hard, yes, but sometimes you just have to go for it. I moved to AK Feb.08 with my husband, 3 kids and our animals. While we were pretty sure my husband had a job(he had just retired from the military and had applied at several places in AK) we came up here not knowing for sure. Here we are a little over a yr later and I couldnt be happier. It was my dream to come here and I am so glad we decided to just go for it. Everything worked out job/housing wise and we are very happy.

    Hang in there, it will all come together.

  11. Overwhelming i'm sure...Everything in the end will turn out GREAT!!!
    Thank you sooo much for your lovely comment. It made me blush. ~seriously~

  12. Take a deep breath.....:) It IS scary! And okay- it's good to have fear because it can cause you to take a step and evaluate things! Both times we moved to Alaska, I did that and especially this second time around. Jeff was basically screwed by the employer that brought him up here the first time and after we started this whole process of coming back to Fairbanks, I began to really wonder if we could trust these people and how things could go. With Jada now having diabetes, the stakes are a little higher for us. I guess the one thing that got me through was the fact that I believed God- that He had obviously put this desire in our hearts and that He was going to take care of us. And He has- completely. This is one of my favorite quotes and somewhat embodies the life I've lived:
    "When you come to the edge of all the light you have known and are about to step out into darkness, Faith is knowing one of two things will happen......there will be something to stand on or you will be taught how to fly."
    I love this! God blesses those who step out in faith and trust Him! I AM praying for you! Let me know what I can do!

  13. Okay, I am going to play devil's advocate. Do you have to move right now? Would it be easier for you in the long run to put it off for 6 months to set aside more money and wait for all the drama to calm down? Maybe then your mom could make the move with you or something? Sometimes we put a time limit on ourselves and get so stressed over the time limit we fail to see if we just move the limit a little we are much better off. Just my two cents!!

  14. OH MY Rocksee.Last week I didnt have just a day of pity parties I had a whole week! All over the same anxieties! What kind of mother puts her family WHOLE family in a 30 foot travel trailer for gosh knows how long!

    Especially when said mother is an evil witch lately!

    But then we all want to move so badly we tear up talking about it. I wish I could tell you how to fix it.I really wish. All I can say is that it will all work out. You will be happy you did it. You may have some rough times but in the end you will have accomplished a lot...'

    Yeah I know that only helps some what. All I can say is that I am just not letting it stop me, I probably will have a few more come aprts but such is life. Knowing me I would have them over something else if this werent the case.Lol


  15. I suffer from anxiety attacks too so I know how it is and I know how you are feeling right now. I constantly have to remind myself that everything happens for a reason. You will be okay. You guys are smart and the jobs will come. I have faith in you. Don't be scared.This is a fantastic adventure that most people just dream about getting. Second guessing is a killer with me. If hubs isn't second guessing this then I would just hold his hand and jump.

  16. You don't have to wear the big girl panties all the time.
    You'll figure this out and make it work.

  17. You are obviously a good daughter and the rest, well all will get done and it will be long as you can blog from AK :)

  18. read the article"why passion matters" in the june issue of readers digest! good luck and have fun!

  19. Ok so if you have read any of my blogs it doesn't sound like I just go with the flow of things, but it just seems like a heavy weight lifts off my shoulders when I can put it in words. Everything will work out. You seem like you have a good head on your shoulders. So if I can offer any advice it would be act like a duck....just let the problems roll off you back like water on a ducks back. And maybe a drink would be good to help too! I hope everything works out for you!!

  20. Gee, I don't know what to say. I'm not the best at comforting people because I don't even know how to comfort myself. Seriously.

    It's always hard to take that leap of faith. My mom constantly reminds me that we have to step into the dark in order to see the light sometimes. And my all time favorite: "It's always darkest before dawn."

    Hang in there. Take one day at a time. And don't stress about things you can't change. And you'll be just fine.

  21. I am terrible at "emotions and sharing" and apparently quoting. However, I do wish you the best. With your personality you will be able to win the entire state over. Including your so close neighbors Russia. ;) If you are worried take a little piece of home with you, like your neighbor. :) We sure don't want him left here.

  22. I imagine it is scary but you can do it! Otherwise you'll always wonder...

  23. God is not showing you a big sign that you should not be going. You are just wired to think the way you are thinking. I have anxiety disorder and post traumatic disorder. I understand.. My brain does the same thing. Before I got pregnant, I took a class on meditation and what I got out of it was very important. I learned that when we worry about things that have not happend, that may never happen our body reacts as if they were really happening, but it's not reality; it's our mind playing tricks on us. This is your dream. Do not deny yourself your dream because of fear. Try as hard as you can not to worry about things that are not happening right now. When you feel yourself going there, flip it. Remind yourself why you are going and how miserable you will be if you do not invest in yourself. You deserve to live a full life. The universe is abundant and there is no one who wants you to fail. Follow your bliss. Believe in your dream.

  24. I love a good Pity Party. Can I karaoke?

    There's a dark and a troubled side of life.
    There's a bright and a sunny side too.
    Though we meet with the darknest of strife,
    The sunny side we also may view.

    Keep on the sunny side,
    Always on the sunny side,
    Keep on the sunny side of life.
    It will help us every day.
    It will brighten all the way.
    If we keep on the sunny side of life.

    Someone else's words. My thoughts. (And in my head I sang it stellarly.)

  25. You are carrying a big load of stress right now so I am not surprised you are having anxiety attacks! A year from now, you can look back, laugh at your fears and say "wow! we did it!". Be strong sista!

  26. Oh Rocksee... It will be a wonderful adventure. That you are taking your dream and doing something about it is a success story already.
    You can do this!!! and I am sure your family is happy for you! Especially your Mom... she will miss you and vice-versa, but I am sure she is happy for you and wants the best for you!
    I like what "thatgirlblogs" said in her comment. Sounds like good advice.
    Big Hugs

  27. I know exactly how you feel -- I had major anxiety attacks before I moved, and I was scared to death of it. Scared I wouldn't find a job. Scared I wouldn't make any friends. Scared that I didn't even know where the gas station or the grocery store was. Scared that I was making a BIG mistake. Each time I thought about everything I didn't know and was scared of, I just made myself more and more sick about it. I nearly talked myself out of moving!

    But I went for it. I made the leap. I trusted God and what His plan was for me. Once I put my faith in someone else, everything came so easily (minus the hiccup we had with my Dad's illness). I literally fell into the best job I've ever had in my life. I made new friends who I cherish. I found many gas stations and grocery stores.... and lots more things of interest! I realized it wasn't a big mistake.

    I think I took a leap and I've grown here. This is my home now... and all it took was one jump of faith. YOU CAN DO IT TOO!! :) :) I think it's very endearing that you will be bringing back your mom too - I have no doubt that you will succeed in that too. Your mom will love being with you and hubs in Alaska... especially once you have babies - it will be wonderful! =)

  28. I think the votes are in you have every right to be anxious and scared right now but chase your dream. It takes a lot of courage but I don't think you'll regret it. You obviously have a lot of followers to support you on your journey.

    Take Care,