Friday, May 1, 2009

MIL's.. Does Sarah Palin Go Thru This??

Have you ever wondered if Sarah and Todd sit around the dinner table in Wasilla and talked about how big of a idiot Todd's momma is?
Do you think that happens?
Or Michelle and Barack.. do you wonder if sometimes Michelle wants to tell Baracks momma exactly what she thinks of her?
But you can't really say what you want to say about the Ole MIL can you?
I first knew that maybe my MIL wasn't exactly thrilled for me to be on the scene when she asked Hubs, about 1 week into dating, if he really wanted all of my baggage since I had skin cancer. Would he really want to be carting me off to the doctor all the time?
Hubs and I had dated for about 6 months when we moved in together. She told Hubs that he should control all of the money, both his and mine, because she had a sense that I would ruin him finanacially. (considering I pay all the bills now, since they wouldn't get paid if my husband did them, I find that pretty funny)
She was constantly in his ear about me and how I handled the running of our household, the things I wore (she bought me clothes she thought were more "suitable) , were we went, what color our bath towels were.. EVERYTHING.
Now, coming from parents who were very supportive of me, but not clingy, I wasn't really sure how to react to her. I am definately a momma's girl, but she never in my lifetime has ever been in my decision making, or has she said anything in a "badmouthing" way about anything I choose to do or people who I have dated. She personally thinks Hubs's is the cats pajamas.
My natural instint was to get upset, feel attacked and go on the defensive. Which was completely wrong because it just played into what she was constantly telling Hubs that I was.
This caused alot of problems in Hubs and I's relationship. So much so, that during dating I had to tell him, either, you tell her to back off, or I am out.
So he told her to back off. And as I found out later, just stopped telling me everything she said about me.
The next time I really felt completely put down was the week before our wedding. She told my mother that she "didn't really think that Hub's would marry her." So she needed to go actually buy a dress.
UM EXCUSE ME??
Ever since that day, I have kept a distance from her. Which is sad. I mean I don't get the benefit of having a great second mom. But in keeping my distance, I began to see how she really was. How she had completely jaded my husband into thinking that her words were golden.
I began to just try to open Hub's eyes to this little by little. In the way she handled things. How she talked to him. How she completely treated him as if he was 10 years old, asking her for desert after supper.
And little by little Hub's began to see, that maybe, his ole wife had a point.
See MIL really doesn't like Hub's right now. She's very upset with the fact that he is his own man, living his own life and he doesn't ask or seek out her approval. She does not like me because I have shown Hub's that he can reach farther and higher than she ever told him could be possible.
Hub's has grown into a confident, successful, goal-oriented man and none of that confidence, or success or goals came from her. She doesn't like it a bit.
What saddens me is that I see how much she is pushing him away. He loves her so much and if she would sit down with him and discuss the issues they have with each other, in a mature, adult way and come to some resolution. I think Hub's would be more than happy to continue a relationship with her. I think that after all the broken promises to call more, see each other more (we live in the same town) and be more interested in his life in a non offensive way.. he's really hesitant about any kind of relationship with her.
And if he can't have a real solid relationship with his mom in the same city, how is that going to happen 3,000 miles away.
I feel sad because my mom is so interested in me and our lives and loves us both so much. He doesn't get that.
I don't know if it is my place to try to fix it anymore. I don't know if it even can be fixed.
So my question to you..
Mother in Laws... what's the story with yours?

20 comments:

  1. Holy cow, I feel your pain!! MIL and me are buddy buddy NOW, but we got off to a super rough start. Which wouldn't have been as bad except for one thing: Enter Vindictive Sister-in-Law. My husband's oldest brother married a girl 5 years younger then me, about a year and a half before we got married. She was super immature and couldn't stand the fact that she might not be the "Family Favorite" anymore since I am ulta cool and who wouldn't love me?! Anyway, she started telling my mother-in-law that I was talking trash about her. Like, "I don't know if I should tell you this, but Cat said you didn't teach your kids to brush their teeth..." Or "Cat said you weren't a good mom because you worked..." stuff like that. AHHH! Total lies!

    Well, it all worked out in the end. But it took us 5 years to smooth out all the wrinkles and for SIL to grow up and realize I didn't want to compete with her.

    My best advice, and this almost always works. Is to serve your MIL. Show her that you love her. I know it may seem like a weird thing to do and even hard, but you would be suprised how well doing good for others can turn their hearts.

    Good Luck!

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  2. Thanks for the comment!! Yeah, MIL's are a pain sometimes....my MIL has passed away but I don't know if some of them ever realize that their little man has grown up. We used to have quite a few issues--mostly with her butting in lol...but I look at my mom and see that sometimes she does the same thing but I don't see it because she's MY mom and not his. In the end though, she knew that I was a good person and that I would take care of her son because I took care of her before she passed.

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  3. I agree with "Mama Nut". Take the high road (the one she has chosen NOT to take). If she doesn't respond to that, well there is your answer. I really hope for the sake of your Hubs that your MIL comes around before ya'll take that 3000 mile hike to Alaska.

    BTW, stop by my blog - I tagged you in an award!

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  4. Hi! Saw you on SITS- I totally feel you here, when the hubs and I got engaged (1.5 yrs before the wedding) I said I wanted to start looking at dresses, and she said, "Don't you think you should wait awhile? Remember how you gained weight last christmas?" WHAAAA? I still won't forget that, I thought it was completely rude and out of line. She is jealous because I cook a lot and Nick loves my cooking, and she doesn't know how to cook (or just refuses to do it.. she's a SAHM who's never worked a day in her life).

    I agree with the previous post and just kill her with kindness. It's too bad your husband and her don't have such a great relationship.. but at least he's taking your side. It'd be hard and exhausting to have to constantly give and give and get nothing back. It's very strange that they don't have that relationship.. most mothers and sons have that weird sometimes borderline creepy bond that no one understands.. which is why I want daughters :)

    Good luck with it all, I really hope she gets a reality check soon!! P.S. Congrats on beating skin cancer :)

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  5. Oh my. I'm sorry you have to deal with someone like that. I imagine it would get so annoying.

    I'm almost sorry to admit that my MIL is fantastic. Sure I think she sometimes babies my husband...but maybe it's just a Mom/Son thing, who knows??..but for the most part, she's fantastic. See, I came from a bunch of health nuts as parents so there was very little junk food in the house. When I started dating my now husband in high school, she'd always have Little Debbie snacks and junk food waiting for me when I came over.

    We also have a lot in common so that helps too.

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  6. oh we would need pages on my mil. Wonderful hubby and I are going on 22 years of this exact thing. I have always missed having a second mom. Especially since the only family I have here is him and my kids.

    Because of how she is my hubby wont even spend time with her and thinks she is a nut job. That does make me sad. I absolutely will not talk down about her to him but he is a smart man and when she made it clear she doesnt like our kids because they take after me that was it for him.

    I wish I had advice for you but all I can say is make your own family and KNOW you will never EVER do that to your kids!

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  7. Thanks for visiting my blog! :) I am TOTALLY with you, we could have the same MIL! LOL My husband finally had to tell his mother to stay out of our lives. It got REALLY REALLY bad. She wrote us this awful letter and basically called me a controlling, racist, hypocrite, and called him a big wuss who lets his wife control him (which REALLY makes me laugh!) all because we make decisions together for our family. Oh and it goes on and on... the STORIES I could tell. But I won't. Because I'm pretty sure she's internet stalking me! haha

    Anyway, you are not alone. And it IS sad. I am totally jealous of people who have WONDERFUL mother-in-laws who they LOVE. I just thank God for my wonderful mom who is a huge part of our lives.

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  8. Ok tootsie I feel your pain. I do. I remember when my caveman and i first married. we actually had to LIVE with them for our first year. OMG that was a total nightmare. TRULY. While I was on my honeymoon, she opened all my gifts and put them away (as if she owned them) and to this day I am still missing some of my gifts that I know are mine. arg.
    She had a VERY hard time letting go of her baby boy. (being a mom now I can some what see how hard that would be) She used to do BOTH of our laundry. Oh that used to bug the poo poo out of me. She even ruined one of my very expensive dressy blouses I bought specifically for my "going away outfit" on our wedding day.

    Yah, I have truly had a horrible time with her. I basically told him, that Me and the cat are leaving and he was welcomed to come if he wanted to. Which he did.

    I realized several years later that someone had to give and I decided that would be me. I purposely set out to be more respectful to her and find something of interest between the two of us. Eventually as years past, our relationship improved and we became CLOSE friends! (un-real huh?)

    8 years ago, she passed away suddenly of cancer. one day she found that she had it and 6 weeks later she was gone. she never got to see her grandchildren. BUT I am so thankful that I don't have regrets. I am glad that I did my part and at least try to do something.

    I am not telling you what to do. But you don't want to look down at that casket and think about all those silly petty fights. (God did I have a ton of them)

    BTW - Sophia is named after her. If you would have asked me if I was going to name my daughter after her when we were first married, I would have called you wacko. LOL

    don't let it rob you of your joy. its not worth it. :)

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  9. Family sucks in general in my opinion. We put way to much emphasis on what they think and feel. My MIL is great I adore her and mostly b/c she lives 6 hours away from me!! My husband went to college in my state and fell in love with Arkansas and decided to stay. (we didnt meet for 6 years after this) She is supportive and will help in anyway she can....all that being said. My FIL died the year our first baby was born to we travel 6 hours away to spend Christmas in his hometown. My children have NEVER woken up Christmas morning at home and I blame it on MIL. She is very needy.

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  10. Wow that is quite a MIL you have. I am thinking she is jealous of you, and want "her little boy" to herself.

    My MIL is just crazy. We hardly ever see her, and she lives near by.
    We do invite her over (she never comes) and then when we go out of our way to stop by and see her she complains about how she never see's our kids. Although there is NO effort on her part to see them. She thinks what ever the new sickness is that is out there she has. She can't keep a job to save her life. She has 6 kids by 3 different men. She doesn't know how to be a mom at all, she gave up on the youngest 2 and they quit school while they were in middle school.
    Thankfully my hubby was raised by his father most of his life!

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  11. I saw you posted on my good friend Jessica's site, so I came to visit! I still have to finish reading your post here, but I was gonna say I have the best MIL situation. She's in a different state and we haven't talked to her in 11 years. Kinda sad,really.
    Macey : )

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  12. Thank you for visiting me back! Thank you for being a follower, I LOVE this blog thing! I'm new at it, but I'm OBSESSED! :)
    Macey

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  13. Well I havent dealt with a MIL yet but Im telling you right now Arab MIL's are the worst because they spoil their sons rotten than ridcule you for not meeting her "standards" and blah blah blah...

    Anyways, great blog, and thanks for visiting mine! and HELL YEAH to Kings of Leon!

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  14. My MIL and I go back and forth. When I was pregnant with my son she came over and just started taking down all my pictures/prints and re-hanging them how she thought they should be hung. When we bought our first house (when I was preggo with baby #2) she took it upon herself to landscape our yard. One day I looked out the front window to see my 60+ year old MIL on her hands and knees planting her 5th bush. My husband and I have been married for almost 10 years and finally she came over the other night and just said positive things. She's notorious for picking out all the negative things. The kids love her though and she isn't trying to be rude, she's that way with everyone. Man, I hope she doesn't read this.. LOL

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  15. Thanks for stopping and following 'Pair' Slices! I can't wait to follow your adventure of moving to Alaksa!

    Sorry about your MIL troubles. Hopefully all of you can iron things out before you move. My husband was adpoted and I never got to meet his adoptive mom, she died before we started dating. However, about 6 years ago his bio mom found us and we have a great relationship. My family is a lot like yours so you are lucky you have that support.

    Have a great Sunday!

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  16. Your MIL sounds like a handful! My MIL is great in ways and drives me crazy in other ways. I think my main gripe with her at the moment,is that they've spoiled my stepson ROTTEN all his life, and never disciplined him, and now she's complaining because he doesn't listen to her. DUH!

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  17. Man, i feel your pain as well - and i think we're in somewhat of the same situation. I've always had a really close relationship with my mom, so I have a really hard time understanding how his mother can't clearly see what he needs from her? Why can't she be a real, grownup adult in their relationship? It just doesn't make any sense to me at all.

    In my most difficult times like that, I pray for my husband's strength in dealing with it.

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  18. my MIL- I could write a freakin' book on that craee lady... but don't tell her I said, that I'm kinda afraid of her!

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