Saturday, May 23, 2009

In an Attempt to Keep this Blog Honest..

Friends.. when I started this blog out, I wanted it to be a completely raw, uncut, honest, in your face view of who I was and the life that me and hubs have. I want to put all my emotions out there for you.. You can judge me as you may. So with that being said.. I'm going to just share.

Today, wasn't.. well the best.

Starting out with the fact that I was awaken by you know who 2 hours after I had gone to sleep today... I was in rather a shakey mood.

I went to go get my hair cut and the line was LONG.. so I signed in and went next door to the clothing store to kill some time.

I was just getting ready to leave, when a great friend of mine came in, who I hadn't seen in a long time. Friends, I want to say right here that this girl is amazing. She is so focused and honest. She has been a dream chaser and I have been inspired to chase my dreams because of her.

So we were catching up and she started to smile.. she said.. "I have something to tell you.. I am pregnant.."

Instantly, I wanted to cry.

I was mad.

I was jealous.

The flood of emotion that I had about it took me by surprise, like hit me over the head with a two by four surprised.

I was incredibly excited and happy for her, but sad at the same time. I congratulated her and left the store before I uspet her. I had to get myself together. I just sat in the car and cried for a long time.

I'm still sad about it.

I feel like a awful friend and person for reacting that way. I hope beyond all hope that she didn't notice and that she doesn't feel (if she is reading this) that she said anything wrong, or upset me.

You didn't. YOU will be one of the best mothers on the planet. Seriously amazing. I am so proud of you.

I guess I just got so upset because it seems like everyone know is getting pregnant and having babies without even trying. Just knowing that it's that much harder for us and it just isn't happening and I want a baby so badly..

Well it just all caught up with me today.

Thankfully, during my baby breakdown, I was able to reach Hubs. Man, my husband is a great guy. He managed to make me laugh, tell me a joke and blame the entire fact that we don't have a baby on him.

"Given your track record with plants, lets get you a dog first.. I don't want my babies to wilt.."

He's a good egg.

He reassured me that I wasn't the worst form of human life for being a tad jealous and that wanting a baby is a good thing. He assured me we will keep trying and if not.. we can try for a baby in other ways when we get settled in our new home.

I'm trying to keep my chin up. Shrug it off. But I just needed to put the words down to get it out of my head and off my chest.

Thanks for reading guys. You keep me going some days. :)

37 comments:

  1. Sweetie, this makes me sad. I have 2 kids and sometimes when a friend tells me they are pregnant or know someone who is...well, even I get jealous thinking about having another. And I already have 2!
    I can imagine that what you feel is a thousand times stronger.
    You've probably heard that saying about all things happening in the time they are supposed to. And honestly, that plain sucks. I don't know if you believe in a higher power, but I have been really leaning on this one lately, "God's time is not our time." What seems like forever to us, is a blink to him.
    It will happen for you. Somehow, some way, it WILL happen!
    DON'T FEEL BAD BECAUSE OF YOUR EMOTIONS. You couldn't help them any more than you can help getting a cold! They aren't wrong. You're human. It happens.
    I'm sure your friend understands this. She may not have noticed and if she did, she probably knows you are wanting a baby really bad and could imagine what you may be feeling.
    When you finally become a mom, you'll be that much better at it than the rest of us because you will have wanted it for longer and will know what it's like to wait for that perfect love.
    Ok, I've written a book so I'm off now. And also, totally off the subject, your new header ROCKS!!
    Macey

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  2. i can't even imagine; and things ALWAYS seem much worse when you're tired. sending you hugs!!! thanks for stopping by

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  3. Rocks, don't you worry about a thing. It's only natural that you would have that kind of reaction. I'm sure your friend will understand. It's hard when you're trying for a baby, and it seems like other people just look at one another and BAM! They're pregnant! You'll have a baby! It's just a matter of time! (((HUGS)))

    Thanks for stopping by my blog! Hope you have a great weekend!

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  4. your honest is amazing! :)...
    after I miscarried our 3rd child--I had the same kind of experience.... A good friend found out she was pregnant, and successfully carried to term.and I just felt so cheated. Even though I already had 2 beautiful healthy girls (who I wouldn't change for the world), I somehow felt it wasn't fair.... So, I never like to say I know how you feel...but I will say, I can relate...and my heart breaks for you. ((BIG HUGE HUGS))

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  5. Oh sweetie!! I am so sorry you felt bad.. I might have even played it off with her and joked about being jealous. Sounds like you have a GREAT hubs! and....love the new header pic!!

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  6. Thank for sharing how you really feel, that is what blogging is all about and having blog friends to support you. I have been in your shoes and now have to beautiful kiddos. I am relived to hear that some of your other readers still get upset that they already have kids and get jealous of others who are having more I have been there too.

    It will happen when the time is right, in HIs time and until then you have every reason to feel the way you do. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you have a great Sunday!

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  7. A post full of honesty that has touched my heart. I'm sending cyber hugs to you my dear. May you find comfort throughout your day and the days to come and know that you are loved, I can tell, by an amazing husband. May you days be full of blessings beyond measure.
    A fellow gal from SITS just wanting to pop in and say hello.

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  8. Awwh. I have a friend who last week told me the same thing. She actually blogged about it. She has been trying to get pregnant and then in the last week she found out 3 friends are pregnant.
    http://detjessandalltherest.blogspot.com
    I told her that I know there is nothing that I can say to make her feel better, but she could come talk and I will listen.

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  9. Thanks for stopping :)
    I am a very proud army mom!

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  10. I know exactly how you feel. I may be pregnant now, but we tried to have a baby for 3 years before giving up. I have had some of those same emotions. Its a natural feeling and you shouldn't be ashamed to admit it. I know not everyone knows what its like but its not so easy for everyone to get pregnant. I wish you lots of luck and just know that it will happen! You'll be an excellent mommy someday Roxy.

    -Stacy Hughey

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  11. I know from personal experience that it can hit you in the gut when someone announces their pregnancy. You made a great step in writing this post! I wish you all the best.

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  12. I know exactly how you feel -- I could've written this blog myself! After trying for nearly a year and nothing for us while I know at least 20 women who are pregnant now... most of them without even trying!! I can't help feel jealous. I feel like I'm broken somehow... I feel like it's my fault because I chose to go to college and have a career instead of getting married young and having babies when I was in my "prime". I battle with these feelings every day - you are not alone!

    But I know that for all of us who are trying and wanting and waiting... there is a baby for us!! A special little someone who will be heaven-sent when the time is right. God only knows when that will be -- maybe He wants you to get settled in Alaska before he blesses you with a child!

    Don't feel bad for your feelings. You have a right to them. Feel blessed that you have such a loving husband whom you can cry on his shoulder about this -- I thank my lucky stars for mine each time I have a breakdown! Feel blessed you have a cracker-jack group of girlfriends ready to help you on a seconds notice -- not everyone is so lucky to have so many friends!

    Your time will come... and you will be a wonderful mommy! I know it!! =)

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  13. I have so been there. I tried for seven years to get pregnant. After the first four I had the whole infertility work up and discovered I had endomitriosis. Had that corrected. Had other procedures. Tried all kinds of alternative treatments. Was approved for in vitro and just before we were supposed to begin it I discovered I was pregnant. But during this whole time I felt like a failure and like my life was on hold. I hated seeing strollers and those little signs "Baby on Board". Baby showers were the worst. And I hated that I felt that way. But I'm sure anyone who's gone through it will understand.

    I had my first baby at age 39 and my second at 43 and it was definitely worth the wait. Hang in there and instead of beating yourself up, do something really nice for yourself because you have such wonderful intentions.

    By the way, I love the new look your site is sporting.

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  14. I understand completely where you are coming from with this blog. We have been TTC for more than 3 years for our second baby. I too experience the same range of emotions when people announce their pregnancies. Thanks for the honest look into your life!

    Happy SITSday!

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  15. Aw i feel the same way somedays! My hubby doesnt want any more and I do so badly!

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  16. awwww ((hugs)) Sounds like you have a seriously awesome hubster...thats so sweet of him to try and make everything a-ok.

    p.s. stoppin by from SITS!

    Dawn

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  17. So sorry your day was soggy with tears.
    Unless your doctor has told you that you cannot get pregnant (and even then, doctors can be wrong) my best advice to you ( and some may have already told you this).....stop trying.
    Stop thinking about it.
    Stop wishing it.
    Stop planning it.
    Move on past it and occupy your time with other life stuff.
    Sometimes when we are trying real hard....we are trying too hard. I was told that I should plan on adoption 27 years ago. But 26 years ago I gave birth (without any help from science and doctors) to a beautiful healthy baby girl. Then 3 years later I had another.
    Don't give up.....stay strong....and be patient.

    BTW....did you get your hair cut? :-)

    Also.....I love your blog design and music.

    Have a beautiful Memorial Day......

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  18. I am in the exact same situation right now honey. All my friends are having babies and we are trying. I feel all those same emotions and then feel horrible for feeling that way. It is normal. Your day will come, just like my day will come, and we will be fantastic mothers. Keep your chin up darling and cry it out whenever you need to, it really does help to have a good cry once in a while.

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  19. I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. You are one of my favorite people that I have found in the last few months. This must suck!! Thats all there is to say about that.

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  20. I hope you don't mind but I added your site to my blog roll. :) I UNDERSTAND how you are feeling! (BTW, thanks for posting on my weight loss site) I do deal with infertility and adopting has been my saving grace. Before that, pg-c announcments and Mother's Days's were TORTURE,. They still kind of sting. Feel free to ask me anything about fertility treatments etc. i have been there done that.

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  21. What an excellent husband you have! I'm so sorry you're going through this right now!

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  22. I have to be honest and say before reading blogs I had no idea how often couples struggle to get pregnant, how often mothers miscarry their babies, how often you can't just assume. This is my first time reading your blog today and I have already learned another lesson. Fertility isn't something people openly discuss in real life, at least in my life. I am grateful to great bloggers like yourself for your willingness to share.

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  23. Your emotions are nothing to apologize for...and they sound completely normal to me. If your friend is as amazing as you say, then she will be understanding as well.

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  24. Honey- you are just alright with me! Crying with you tonight! Hubs is amazing, huh? You two are amazing partners- hang on to each other! Sending lots of Alaska hugs your way!

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  25. You are not a bad person for feeling this way. It is completely normal. I do the same thing. Every time another person excitedly tells me they are pregnant I fake happiness and then go cry. I'm happy for them, but it's another moment of realization for what I don't have and what I've lost.

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  26. Thanks you for sharing this honest post. It sounds like you have a wonderful and supportive husband. I'm sure even if your friend did notice that you were pset that she would understand.

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  27. I think you handled it well, considering. That had to have been hard.
    xoxo

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  28. Your Hubby sounds amazing, and yes, sometimes you need to wallow in your emotions & let them out. FYI, my neighbor just had her 2nd baby - which was a complete, natural SURPRISE! - after having her first from several rounds of IVF - they were told they couldn't get pregnant - so don't give up!

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  29. Awwww Rocksee!! I have been there! My best friend in the world got pregnant when we had been trying for 2 yrs! It was so difficult. I couldn't even talk to her. I don't mean I wasn't speaking to her, it was just hard, ya know.

    Now, I have 4 kiddos...the first...God only knows how he was conceived {we were checking into adoption when we found out}, the second was with a little drug intervention and the 3rd and 4th were both surprises...so don't give up!! I know it's a long hard road! Cry as much as you need to! It's ok to feel sorry for yourself and upset for others. That is natural!! And it doesn't mean your not happy for them, it just is what it is.

    If you need to chat, just holler!!

    Praying that it happens for you soon!

    xoxo ~Lisa

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  30. (((((((hugs)))))))) I have so many bloggy friends struggling these days to get pregnant. It stinks. I am praying for you, that God blesses you with a baby in His perfect time. Hang in there.

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  31. Love ya, Rocksee! Everything will be alright, you'll see. I remember having these same feelings! I wanted to get married and have a baby so badly, and I couldn't even get a date! Not for lack of trying. It was pure torture to see my baby sister get married and have 2 babies before I even found my Ben. I cried so many nights! But it all worked out in the end, and it will for you too!

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  32. Big hugs! You sound like a wonderful person... and that husband of yours is also wonderful! Don't worry, it will happen.

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  33. I love how real your blog is, keep it coming. And keep smiling, your day will come.

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  34. I SO remember those feelings! Be strong, you are SO normal in those feelings. I used to have days when I prayed I would not run into anyone pregnant because my emtions just could not handle it. I've been there. I feel your pain. I does get better, I promise. God would not put that of a desire to be a Mommy in your heart if he didn't intend for you to be one! I wish I could say more. ((HUGS))

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  35. First *hugs* for you! I know how much that have made you feel. It is agonizing indeed. So all I can say is I pray that God will hear your prayers soon and bless you with a baby :)

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  36. Angie BrenzikoferAugust 9, 2011 at 1:05 PM

    Well I know this is 2 years later since you wrote this blog, but I just wanted you to know you arent wrong or a bad friend for feeling that way. I have felt that way for a long time. Nate and I have had 3 miscarraiges. I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, we did fertility treatments with no results. I watched everyone around me get pregnant, I watched people who had babies not appreciate what they had. Its the worst. I had given up. But then I started nursing school, started on the pill and ended up pregnant. Crazy things happen. DOnt give up.

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