I'm not sure what to even say about what has happened today.
What I will say is that I have learned today that no matter how hard you are on yourself, at the end of the day all you can do is turn in your best and let the chips fall where they may. You can't really expect more than that.
I am not sad.
I do not cry.
I do not feel anything more than anger. Anger for things that I can't control. I try to remember that in all things, I don't have control. God does. But today, that doesn't seem to lessen the anger that I have inside.
So instead, I blog. I've given up the sauce so I can't go and have a drink. But I write these words for some solace, some explanation for the feelings that I have about this day.
But it doesn't seem to really be doing much for my soul.
Each time things like this happen, it hardens me a little bit. Makes me colder, more aloof. Another door in my heart shuts off, in hopes that I can some how close enough doors so it doesn't hurt anymore.
My heart aches.
I don't like that feeling.
I remember once that someone once told me that god places people in certain situations for a reason. You are involved in many things in this life and all of them are for his planning. There is a purpose in all things godly.
I really wish that today I could see gods purpose. I don't understand why he does things like this. I don't understand why he insists on hurting people.
I hate seeing people hurting. I just can't stand it. I would rather cut out my own heart than see someone I love and respect be hurting.
But it's all apart of gods plan isn't it? Really what plan could that be? How can one person have to hurt that much? I really don't know. The one thing I do really know is that I hope god has a miracle in his bag of tricks. I really hope he does. We need a miracle. Like a miracle x 10.