Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Goldydreads From the Cottonhood

Once upon a time.. there was a girl who lived in the hood.
She moved to the ghetto from her nice house on the hill, in order to save money to travel to a far distant land.
Her small ghetto house was in one of the worst areas of the city. With two chains on the door and a bat in the corner, she only felt a small measure of safety.
There were bottles in the front yard, trash from the across the street neighbor, diapers laying all over .. it was a mess..
Oh the things she did for her dreams!
Ya'll seriously.. I live in the hood. The straight up ghetto. I live in one of the worst area's of our city. Why you ask? For the cheap rent!
All the things I said above are true. Diapers, beer bottles, loud yelling screaming matches between neighbors.. I have heard and seen it all.
But the funniest.. BY FAR THE BEST thing that I have seen happen in the Cottonhood.. went down today.
Now the people that live to the east of me, are not good people. I will just leave it at that and let you trust in how I know that they aren't very nice. There is a mom who is about my age, a dad (I think) a brother, 2 uncles and 4 children that live in a 400 sq foot 1 bedroom apartment.
Ohhhh yes.. you can imagine.
But my next door neighbor.. she is loud and mean and very rude. She does not talk in a normal conversational voice. She SCREAMS. She yells at the kids, she yells at her daddy,brother, uncles.. She yells at the postman, the electric man (when he was trying to cut off her power) and everyone in between.
She gives me big scary looks when she is outside and I walk to my car. I don't want to mess with her.
Anyways a band of Jehovah's came through the neighborhood passing out fliers to come to Kingdom Hall. They rang my door bell and I took my flier and said thanks.. just then I realized they were heading next door. Here's how it happened.
Neighbor: "Whatchu want?"
Jehovah: "Um mamm' we are from the Jehovah.."
Neighbor: " Whoooa WHOA WHOA! You hovah's don't love the lord.. I know whatchu about"
Jehovah: "Actually mamm we believe in .."
Neighbor: "Did I ax you what you believed in???!! NO..! You could believe in Harry Potter for all I care..! Im gonna give you 2 seconds to get off my door step get on yo lil bikes and peddle yo asses on out of here!"
Jehovah: "Well we are sorry, but we really just wanted to (and you know how they don't get the hint?) invite you to our church.."
And the funniest thing I've ever seen happened. My crazy neighbor lady bolts out of the house with a broom and a bat in her hand and chases those two little Jehovah boys to the bikes... She starts whooping the bikes with her bat as the two little Jehovah boys start peddling off in fear.
" I told em! I told em they aint gonna be talkin to me bout no Hovah Witness!"
Man I love the hood..


  1. Wow, that sounds like insanity... Hope you get to move soon!

  2. wow...sounds like you have a fun neighborhood!
    Leaving some love from SITS!

  3. Thats so hilarious! Sorry your neighbor is crazy, though!

  4. Haha!!! Wow- you gave a great visual! Just keep chanting "Alaska, Alaska, Alaska......." Praying that your time goes very quickly!

  5. dude.. you make me miss ghetto town kansas so much! it's terrible! i was rolling around in my computer chair laughing so hard i was crying... then i had to read it to the mr... he was laughing like crazy also!! i still can't stop!!!

  6. haha do you remember those guys who ride all around the city in shirts and ties.. it was those dudes!

  7. I hate to tell you, but when the snow melts in Alaska, everyones yard is covered with beer bottles and trash! A co-worker of mine has a sister that has been in Alaska for 11 years. Her advise is to buy your house when there is no snow!

  8. haha well I can take the trashy yard, just not the trashy neighbor!

  9. OMG, too funny! At least you get free entertainment.
    I knew I was going to love your blog when I read your header-simple pleasures, just my thing.

  10. Oh my goodness! LOL! I would totally have been cracking up! ha!

    Thanks for stopping by my blog. :)

  11. Rocksee, Thanks so much for visiting my blog! I love visitors.

    I am laughing so hard right now. not only did the funniest thing happen, but you made it sound exactly as if it were next door happening now! Good luck with your bat. Just think of it this way, any time a salesman comes to your door, you can send them her way and get a good laugh out of it from behind your slighty cracked door.

  12. One who knows - Have a good day.April 7, 2009 at 9:44 PM

    Jehovah's Witnesses don't ride bikes, Mormons do!

  13. Haha! That is too funny! I love that story! Soon you will be in Alaska and no more worries about that lady!

  14. I lived in a rough place during college. It can be quite an adventure.

    Glad the rent is cheap.

    (Kinda amuses me that your blog title is At the Porch Swing now that I've read this post.)

  15. oh good lord...that is the craziest Jahovah Witness story I've ever heard....YOu have to give them credit though for putting up with so many people being mean...and chasing them with bats and such....lord...

  16. Oh my GOODNESS! How hilarious! ...and yet SCARY! Thanks for the laugh! Sending some SITS love!



  17. THAT IS A HOOT!!!
    Never a dull moment in your neck of the woods!
    Thanks for visiting The Glen!

  18. Who knew crazy could come in handy? Good to know.

  19. I love it! So I take it the cute porch swing in the header doesn't get a lot of use! Or is it really even you porch? ;)

  20. Thanks for visiting me through SITS. I love that shopping and wild crazy sex are neck and neck in the poll. (That just sounds wrong.)

    yeah, those were Mormons for sure. Trust me, I know.

  21. LOL!!

    Oh dear ... perhaps you should step it up a notch from the bat.

  22. I believe those were Mormon boys they are the ones that ride the bikes, but I could picture this happening how funny. Cute blog hon thanks for sharing.

    blessings n' hugs

  23. Oh my gosh, that is freaking hilarious. Ha ha ha ha...Sorry that you have crazy neighbors...but glad they could give me some amusement.