Going from here..

Every secret of a writer's soul, every experience of his life, every quality of his mind is written large in his works. 
Virginia Woolf 

Ole Virginia.. She had it right. I took up this blog orginally to write about my life. The goal was to just write and see what came from it. Then in morphed into writing about all the excitement and scariness of moving to Alaska.. then it morphed again into living in Alaska and building my life 4000 miles away.

Well I've done that and I'm not really sure were this blog goes from here.

I took a hiatus from writting this summer because I felt pressured to always have something to say. One can not be cute, witty and cheeky all the time. To be quite honest, I don't always have something to say. More and more, the older I get, the less I want to talk. My career is built on talking. I feel like my entire life I've talked all the time. Nothing has ever come from all that yakking. I think as humans we do alot of needless talking anymore. As I get older, I feel like when I talk, I want it to have meaning, not be some words strung together to fill the silences in life.

And I didn't have anything meaningful this summer that I wanted to say. It seemed to me that I had started talking in circles. Trying to force myself to find new things to put on this blog. Pictures, new things that I was doing. Sometimes in life, people don't do interesting things every minute. We just dont. Not even in Alaska. Do you want to see my runs to the Tesoro for Red Bull? Do you want to see me lay in bed wide awake after not sleeping for 2 days? Yep.. I didn't think so.

But after awhile.. I came to realize that I needed to write. I hadn't written in 3 1/2 months. I needed to say something. My whole existance has been based around being able to put my feelings into words. I can never say them. I'm terrible at vocal expression, just ask my husband. If I am upset, mad, sad, lonely, depressed.. You'd never know it, because I would never tell you. I'm just not built that way. Instead I stew on it. I roll it around in my head for months. If I can't put it somewhere I explode.

Writing is the poor man's version of therapy. I have to write s o m e t h i n g. That's me. That's how I'm put together. Some people drink, some people do drugs, I write.

So. I'm going to stop trying so hard. That's what I'm going to say. Hopefully that fosters some amazing blog posts this winter. If it doesn't. Well then.. it doesn't. I'm going to leave that up to whatever spirit has moved me in the past. Until then.. :)

This girl's a cheechako!

A blog friend of mine recently asked on her Facebook page: "When does a cheechako become a sourdough? "


For those of you who are like.. "Uh, what the heck are you talking about?" A cheechako is a slang term for a new Alaskan. A sourdough is an Alaskan who has been here for quite sometime. '


I thought about this for a really long time. The question kind of intrigued me. When does a person cross the proverbial "threshold" of Alaskanism.. ??

Hmm.

Is it when you know more about coffee than you do current events? ..

Is it your first -40 winter?

Or your second?? Or your third? Or your 23rd?

Is it when you see the aurora for the first time?

Or you experience your 10th day in a row of driving to work in epic snow fall, only to find out when you come home that your front porch looks something like this?

Is it preferring halibut or moose..? Or a good bear stew... yum! Be still my heart! Swoon!

Is not really caring that you haven't been to another city larger than the one you live in for 3 years?

Or is it when you know, that if god took you tomorrow.. you could go to heaven knowing you'd seen the most beautiful country land has to offer and had no regrets because this was in your backyard??

I don't know if anything really makes you truly an old "sourdough ".. to me I think I want to stay a learner and a little bit of a tourist forever. I think that's what makes life exciting. So I embrace still being a bit of a cheechako.. seeing and learning the things that this large wild place has to offer.

I love asking people about something because "I'm still sorta new"..

You learn about so much more that way.

So for now..not a sourdough just yet.. Just call me cheechako.. a yes moose still get me excited enough to pull over and take pictures kind of girl.

BUT I did create a little top 10 list of..

 Reason's You Know You've Been in Alaska a While!

1. The sight of RV's makes you want to punch someone in the throat.

2. You laugh at people who wear a coat when it's 30 degrees outside.

3. You know that at some point you will have a cracked windshield in your car. You accept this and move on.

4. You know that the "honeybucket" isn't were honey comes from.

5. You believe that jumping on a plane and heading to Barrow for the weekend could be mighty fun!

6. You are happy when gas is under $5.00 a gallon.. and giggle like a little girl when you have fuel points at the grocery store. 

7. You are ok with peeing in an outhouse and have entertained the idea of living in a house without water. No shower, no sink. 

8. You wear your Uggs, Carhartts, Thermals or Snow Pants to a "classy gathering".. at least you wore a pretty scarf right?

9. In the winter.. as long as you make an attempt to stop at the stop sign, it still sorta counts.

10. You'd cut someone if they overtook your berry picking spot.

Year.

This is my friend Beau. He died two days before his 31st birthday from an off-duty accident.

You know how you meet people in your life and you immediately think they are awesome? That was this guy. He was that for a good many people.

I just wanted to say that he was a good person and a good trooper. He was the life the a party. He always had that same smile that he's wearing in the picture.

I wanted to put his picture up for two reasons today. First, to honor his memory and secondly to say that before we know it, life can change. People can go out of our lives in an instant. So tell your friends how much they mean to you. Tell your family you love them. All the time. Until they are sick of you.

Or call them and tell them a good joke.

Beau would have liked that.

Dear Neighbor...

Dear Neighbor Lady,

YOU ARE LOUD.

You know that letter I wrote you and stuck on your door on sweet little pink paper? Yeah, I was trying to be kind.. suggestive. "Hey in case you didn't know, these apartments aren't well insulated, soo I can hear everything you say and do. Every hole of "Playschool Golf" that Baby Tiger Woods plays.. " 

I HEAR IT.

I felt kind of bad when you wrote back saying that you were just one woman up there. "Very quiet, you said.. I'm very quiet.. Give me some time to get the house in order.." 

Well how's come now, 2 months later, you are 10 times louder and every time I walk past you OPEN apartment door, there's you and your husband and your two babies and grandma and the nephew and the auntie and the dog.. 

WHERE DO YOU PUT ALL THOSE PEOPLE IN A 400 Sq ft apartment?!???!?! 1 bedroom! Where do they all sleep?!?!?!

No wonder it's so loud up there. 

The apartment is made for 1-2 people. Not 12. 

And the cleaning. I've never lived near a person that cleaned so much. I thought Lady Who Looks at the Sky vacuuming the hallway 42 times a week was excessive. But you've brought it to new heights. What are you using to clean the kitchen?? YOU MAKE MY SINK SHAKE!!! Are you drilling?? STOPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!

You watch me as I pass you by, or when you are in your Honda trying to figure out how to back out without hitting everyone in the parking lot. * and stop trying to back out, or pull in to your spot. FYI you suck at parking. If our spaces were slanted to the side you would be golden. * 

You smile.

You smile harder. Your hand creeps up.. 

Then pops back down, as I glare at you with my "thank you for keeping me up all day long" eyes.

 I will not say hi because you and I aren't friends. I don't like how loud you are. I don't like that you make our house shake time you have a temper tantrum. I thought all the yelling was your kids at first, but then I realized it was you screaming at the top of your lungs at your husband about burning the noodles. 

And another thing... we all share the same building. If you can't cook, or your husband can't cook, please stop subjecting us to night after night of your smoke filled dinners gone wrong. It smells like my cat died in there. My suggestion- Order out.

Ugh.

Signed,
Your disgruntled Neighbor.

A trip to the woods..

I had a great time on my walk today. I managed to go to the Beaver Slough which is right by my house. It's nothing extraordinary by Alaska standards, but with a few good rains in the slough and a nice warm breeze flowing through the pine trees, it's an amazing little in clove in our neighborhood. It reminds me of the woods in Twilight sometimes. The sounds are a little bit odd when the wind blows just right. I ache to go over there in the winter.. It's so mysterious and dark. 

But I'd be in 6 foot snow drifts up to my eyeballs if I attempted that in January. It takes a little bit to dry out back there, so I was hoping that I'd be able to walk around there for awhile and get some cool shots!

It was a little sluggy in places which caused the skeeters to be out in full force. 

If you don't know about Alaska skeeters.. well I'm not going to tell you. But they are the size of 7th grader's and come in large, unfriendly packs. 

The trees were still sort of wet and the ground was wetish.. and that is a skeeter paradise. It looked like nobody had been out there in a very very long time. So I couldn't stay out too terribly long--- they were eating me alive!!

As you can tell there's a lot of thick tree's and brush around. It's so dark on the path, but big and bright when you look up into the sky.

I made it. I accomplished my goal from yesterday to get out and enjoy the morning. Take some photos. See what I could see.

It was so nice to get back. I just have to keep it up... and click click clicking away.. documenting our summer.

Soon there's going to be live berries out there I think. I can't wait to go berry picking sometime. It's something I haven't done before and I'd love to go. Berry picking is a sport in Alaska. People here take it very seriously. If you berry pick you have certain secret spots, special times you go, certain methods.. It's quite cut throat! Don't let a berry picker catch you on their grounds... A berry beat down will take place. :)

I also tried very very very very hard to work on my goal of breathing and staying calm. Thinking before, acting, or saying something out of anger. Being happy and just not caring about stupid issues really really  takes less effort than being unhappy about them.

I'm happy today. Really happy.

I'm good with that!!

It was nice today. 

Breathing.

Seems like it's been awhile ya? The thing of it is, I've been sort of consumed with other things. Which is terrible. I hate that. I hate when all your attention is forced to something and you forget who you are and what you like. You give everything to the one thing and you let everything else suffer. That's a crappy thing. Your health suffers, your heart suffers, your motivation suffers. I'm completely to blame for that. I've never been good at juggling. It's one thing full bore. It's one of my worst traits. Which makes me mad and bitter and not very nice to be around. And no.. I'm usually a pretty nice person. Being mad, tired, depressed all the time is sucky. 

I realllllllllllllllllyyyy hate being like a giant pain in the rear to everyone around me including myself. I need to learn to do better. Ya know? Motivation? Where are you hiding you silly thing you!! 

So this week I've tried to do better. I baked, which I love doing. Even though I had to sacrifice some sleep for it.. It was worth it. It was worth feeling that joy again. Doing something for me and me alone. Being creative and full of ideas to try to make come to life. I'm usually pretty good at that. When I make the effort.

Somehow, I forgot that in the mix of the daily hub bub..... My creativity for this week turned out two epic loaves of banana bread and a batch of stellar Owl-Cup Cakes. To die for!!! I found a couple of amazing food blogs. http://arcticgardenstudio.blogspot.com is one that I have gotten so many awesome ideas from!! It's amazing!!


I've tried to take some photos. Not as many as I would have liked. But I've tried to at least give a few shots a try. I hope that I can get back into the practice of doing several shots a day. I miss just catching the daily life of Fairbanks Alaska. As boring or as epic as it may be... But baby steps so far.. and it's gone pretty well I think?                         

This week my goal is to walk everyday. For an hour. Just to get out and have a reason to enjoy the nice mornings we are having currently. Maybe I will take my camera. 

Roll two things I love into one. I know I can do this. 

The next thing I need to make a habit for this week is breathing. That sounds ridiculous doesn't it? But when I don't have an outlet. When I'm not feeding that outlet, I'm just a huge ball of nerves and craziness and all I do is hold my breath while I'm getting more and more wound about something that I shouldn't even care about. 

Breath.

Breath.

Breath.

In and out. 

Ebb and flow. 

I've been so wound up with going, going, going , going.. I've forgotten to breath. Plain and simple. One thing and I go on a date with a heart attack. I can feel the angry in me. And that's just because I forgot to breath! 

My new goal. Simmer on it. Wait 5 seconds. Then say something. 

Don't be so quick to pull the dang trigger.

I got this.

Breath..

See.. I'm already doing good.

Current Events:

The Mister is headed in for surgery on his back on Wednesday. We have been praying and hoping for weeks for this day and it's finally made it here! The Mister has been in loads of pain. This doctor and this surgery may help him with a tremendous amount of his pain that he's had for a long time and the current issues that he's having.

We are so blessed that he can have this and have it so quickly. Sometimes help is not always immediate in Alaska. We have had nothing but the best care since this has happened.

We are so blessed!

Woot! Woot!!

Something is brewing with Mr and Mrs Neck. Lots of yelling.. Some late night banjo strumming.. Either someone's in the dog house or someone's on there way out.

And the weather! Holy moly!

We had 70's in North pole this week. Seventy PLUS! No minus there people.

It's been beautiful and cool and amazing.

AND my best friend Dana is on her way to Alaska in August.

This girl has a lot to be thankful for.

Breathing in and out.. in and out..

I'm Going to Shoot You with My Love Arrow .. I Think You'll Like It..

 I know there are people out there right now talking about how much they hate Valentines Day. I get it. Commercial Holiday, you shouldn't have to profess your love for someone on just one day, just give me the chocolate and we will call it good.... yadda, yadda, yadda..          
       
But for me, I've always thought of Valentine's Day as something great. Isn't kinda wonderful that there is a holiday devoted to love? Isn't love is worth that much praise? I mean think about it the other holidays.. Christmas.. Celebration of Jesus. Thanksgiving.. a Celebration of when the settler's came to America. Easter.. Celebration of the Resurrection. HUGE deals right? And to throw a holiday in there that's devoted to love and all of the grandeur and fluff that it it compasses. Don't we need more grandeur.. more fluff..? Just the idea of celebrating our love for each other? .. That's pretty great.

There's a lot of folks out there that could use more love in there lives, more connection, a hope for a brighter loving day.. The warmth of knowing that someone not only cares for you, but loves you... a lot of people out there aren't as lucky as a majority of us reading this blog. They don't have people telling them everyday how amazing they are or how much they are loved like you do. Think about that people. Spread that happy as much as you can. Just telling one person how much they mean to you.. maybe that would change their day or their life's perspective. You never know.

Maybe having a holiday, while annoying to some, reminds other's to take a minute and tell those folks in their lives.. "Hey. I love you, and I think you are pretty great."  We are all busy. What's so wrong with a reminder holiday.. ?

            So why do we have to trash a holiday about love?


Why can't just we use this holiday to tell everyone how much we love them? "Sally, I love you for always being my friend and listening to me and my problems.. Happy Valentine's Day!" " Uncle Bob, I love you for always shoveling the snow off my driveway. You are such a caring and good person! Happy Valentine's Day!"

I think sometimes people are afraid to use the world love to others..

But why not?

Maybe the mail man can be our Valentine or the sweet little neighbor girl, or our mom's..

Who says a dude has to be our Valentine at all?
Think outside the box people! Be Brave!
Tell everyone how much you love having them in your life.

I think that would be a great Valentine's for everyone. Don't you? Just using today to spread love all around on everyone? Maybe that's why people are so mad all the time. Nobody has told them they love them for a reaaaaaaaaaaaalll long time.

If anything. Use Valentine's Day as an excuse to bake cookies, do fun crafts, send everyone you know obnoxious Barbie Valentine's.. Make it fun. Have a day full of singing every old school love song you can remember.

Valentine's doesn't have to be a day of dread. It can be a fun day to love everyone in your life.
What's wrong with a little more LOVE in the world?

Not a thing if you ask me. Love is good. Eat it up, Share it, Be full up with it. I think the world would be a kinder place..

I love you all! Happy Valentine's Day. Eat a conversation heart in my honor.


********** AND.. Happy Valentine's Day to my husband, Brett. He's a pretty rad dude. I love him. He gets my jokes and laugh's at my silliness. He know's that I hate pumping gas, so he does it for me. He know's that I like Reese's Peanut Butter Cups and will do very hilarious dances in the middle of the living room to get me to smile if I've had a bad day. We don't have much. But we love each other. And that's taken us a long way for 9 years now.. and after all that time.. Love's about all that matters.. ****

-52 Think Crazy Ex-Girlfriend.. Only Way Crazier and Drunk.

Click for weather forecast

Here's what I'm gonna say.

Yes. I did choose to live in Alaska.
Yes. I love the fact that I live here, 90% of the time.
Yes. I did know it's cold here.  (this is my 3rd winter)
But this?

This is crazy.
B-A-N-A-N-A-S

The first winter I was here it was pretty mild. It got cold, but I don't remember a day that went above -35 or so. My second winter here, we had a long string of days at -35 to -39 and a few days I recall that got to -40 or so.

But this winter has been tough and so bitterly cold. We have had frigid temps for awhile now. -30 seems warm at this point.

But -52??!?!?! REALLY?

You do not play at -52. You just don't. It's not even in the same parking lot as -30. -30 you can still function.. At -35, you still can do what you gotta do. Even -40 and a grocery run isn't out of the realm of possibility.

But at -52. You don't screw around. Straight home. Straight to the next stop of warmth.

Today I can say was the first night that I was actually a little bit frightened driving home. The ice fog rolled in about 8pm and has only gotten thicker and deeper. By the time I left work at 11, it was so thick you couldn't see a but a few feet in front of you.

The air just seems upset. Mean.

-52. It hurts my lips to even say it.